Saturday, May 13, 2017

Deep down inside.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t. :)

After all, these nine months was incredibly went amazing for me. What a life.... 
A lot of feelings. too many dramas, gallons of tears, and the list goes on and on. We have trying so stop, long before. But we just couldn't ignore...the love we have for each other, Too bad, we both drowned in our own feelings regardless we've been deciding the best for us before - to move on.

My best friends think am crazy - for still seeing each other, texting one another and most importantly...confessed to each other. It never stops, the feelings. It's so hard to move on - the life. We only be together for months, but seems like I've fallen deeper than I thought...and up to now am still having butterflies in my stomach whenever I saw him. A beautiful feelings indeed. Who knew I ended up falling for him after years of sorrow?

But now, the time has really come. Soon that I ever thought. As at today, I only have 7 days left to be exact to be with him, technically on the phone - texting. I've made up my mind to really stop any communications whether through social networking, texting, whatever it may be on the day he finishes his training. It is not because of my best friends asked me to - I knew they really care for me hence the "ceramah"  given. I have actually thought of this for quite some times and he also knew about it and preparing on it too, probably. Worst to worst, it might not happen as what I've planned but somehow, I knew that we really need a break. To give him some space that he should have and stepping back from his life to give him a chance to live his new life independently without me bothering him anymore.

I know myself better than anyone else. my heart wouldn't let him go until certain period of time where I can confidently say that, it will be on the day that he got engaged or married. I am not the kind of person who easily forget by having someone else besides me. Definitely it wasn't me - referring to my so-called 'history', I believe that I only have one heart and to love other person at the same time, I am not that cruel to let that happen. Never at any ways that I would! But who knew what will happen later. As for now, I am quite certain to only living my single life (again) at the fullest and finishes up my studies as soon as possible. Probably after I completed my dream of obtaining master's degree then only I would think about my other "dreams". Well, I don't even know if I still have that hope of other dreams though. But let's just put on KIV first. Haha. At least for now. The heart's still bleeding hard.

I might not be so lucky in love. But I hope I have given the best for them that I love. All the sweats and tears, everything that I could do to save them, the love. I have no regret in whatever I have done. Somehow, it's a lesson learnt that I would bring through my journey of life - to never falls on the same mistakes again! Most of the time it's pretty easy to understand of why all these happened, but I just couldn't put aside the possibility of me falling on the ground from time to time - missing all the memories. How I wish I am that strong, to never cries over little things, and keep going where life brings me to.  

To sums up my upside down's life these two years:-
Fall in love - I never thought that I would ever again, but I just did!
Being in a relationship - I thought this would be the last, but not! 
Being single all the way - Back to what it supposed to be, this definitely my lifetime wish come true for now! Haha!
Being in the sorrow - Gone through it for few months in these 9 months and is going through it in 7 days time. Phewhhh. Mental, please be ready!

I thought being left without any valid reason and kept asking what have gone wrong are already sucks.
I was wrong....
This time it hurts too, more than I suffer before. 
Because we chose to stop for the sake of love we have - for our family, religion and the list goes on.
We mutually have the same feelings but that's not only it. A lot of things we need to consider and we don't have the guts to hurt others just because the love we have for each other. Love is about sacrifices and readiness to face everything together. I guess we just lack of that - the crucial part in a relationship.

I will never stop praying....until I certainly have the best reason to stop.

p/s: never say goodbye.

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