Sunday, November 20, 2016

Rapuh.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t...

Terkadang hati ini paling remuk dihenyak teruk.
Menangis lagi.
Kerana tak siapa bisa fahami akan rapuhnya ia.

Terkadang hati ini paling teguh pasrahnya realiti.
Menangis lagi.
Kerana tak siapa bisa rungkai apa yang tegakkan dia.

Terkadang hati ini paling sunyi disapa angin.
Menangis lagi.
Kerana tak siapa bisa lagukan melodinya.

Hilang aku, hilang arah.
Sunyinya aku semakin parah.
Mencari erti segala rahsia.
Yang kekal pendam.
Dalam jiwa.

2305hrs
081216

Sang kerdil.

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Three months.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t. :)

Three months.
Who knew after exactly 3 months, I get to see him again. Honestly, I don't know how to feel. It's a mixed feeling after all.

Who knew that I'll burst in tears when I first saw him stepped into my car. I was so nervous. Don't really know how to react when I get to see him. So many things came in mind. Will we be the same again? After everything that happened in these three months? I am not sure. At all.

I am speechless by looking at him, so different since the last time we met. Thinner and darker - oh my brownies! For few minutes, I am shaking, driving while he was there, sitting next to me. Like he always did. How I miss those!

It was a good catch up. Or not? I've cried few times when I shared about what had happened in these few months in his absence. Crying again when we've been so silent and he asked, "why?". Only if he knew how hard it is to keep everything alone, missing him too much that no one could help me on that. I was just shook my head. And smile. Don't have the guts to tell him. That I was never okay in these three months!

It was a precious moments I had yesterday and I hope for him too. The hope is very tiny. And I am the only one who has that, not him. Hoping, surviving and praying hard. People will never understand how have this burdened me. They only know how to judge and keep saying things they should have just keep themselves. They don’t know how hurt I am listening to every of those words. The reality, totally bites!

I’ve reminded myself many times, that he is only a test from HIM. A reminder for me to get closer and closer to HIM. There’s no such thing as mistakes, it was all destined by HIM that I’m falling in love with him. But it is me that has the power on how to deal with it – with the will of HIM of course. A lesson learnt - before I get something better that HE has written for me in Lauh Mahfudz.

I admit. I have failed successfully in HIS test and I know there’s so much I have to do now.
I admit. Many times I fell unto Sejadah - too fragile, too weak in handling the emotions. And in HIM I found peace.

To forget and move on.
I wish I have the power to erase everything that we had as a lover and remain those sweet memories of us as a bestfriend. But it’s life. You gotta face the consequences of things you, yourself started. And took it as a motivation to seek for the truth.

p/s: forgive and forget.

Saturday, October 29, 2016

Better in time.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t. :)

Day by day. Am getting used to my new phase of life. Everything around me almost back in order. But not me.

To search for the strength. To keep me going.
I lose everytime. Keep falling, keep failing.

It's never that easy. To have him in my sleep and things seems so real, kills me everytime. Feels like only yesterday I met him in person. But it's been months.

I don't want him to know that I'm this weak. But couldn't help myself to.

He could never be that perfect in others eyes. But for me, he's the best I had so far. I knew, I have to admit that he's the one who left me. And I knew, the reason would be me.

Myself.
That I have to look back and see where did I done wrong.
And not to repeat it with others.

Keep praying that I'll be better.
In time.

P/s: never ending.

Friday, October 7, 2016

Redha.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t. :)

Continuation from my previous post.
I know it's kinda late. Very late but yeah, still feel the needs to update. For myself.

And so, he's gone finally. Walked away from my life...as my lover.
There's a lot, a lot of reason of why we ended it up after all that we've been through.
Let it be our secret. :)
But it's not because of our parents, of course.
We are sane and matured enough to think which is best for us. Especially for now.

12092016, on Hari Raya Qurban itself, I sacrifice my luckless dream.
It has been a month.
And I am quite redha with what had happened.
My life's now being on track again.
Feel quite peaceful and trust me, less tears accompanying my daysss since then. Alhamdulillah.

At first I was drove by my ego and pushing him away from me.
But I forgot, we've started off as a friend, a very close friend.
He knows me well, we have no secret, we just being quite open to ourselves.
Why should we split it up and be like a stranger again?
I have lost my good friend before for the same reason.
And why should I let go this one? I couldn't  afford to lose both my lover and bestfriend.
We are still a good friend though.
And he's still texting me like we used before - the way we did before we fell to each other.
Awkward for the first few messages, but then, we're getting used of it and things gets better I guess. Hihi. :)

********************************************************

But...
I failed to control my emotions today.
I feel so low.
Totally low.

The messages.
Some things better left unsaid I guess.
It totally broke me down into tears.

Never did once been asked whether am okay.
Not even serious to make me feels like sharing?
The feelings? What have I been through lately?
I couldn't focus to work.
I just wanna run away from everything.
But I controlled myself.
For the sake of their happiness.
Hiding my sorrow. All by myself.
Going to the park, jogged, keep myself busy with work.
Anything could do.
To keep me breathing. To keep me to feel alive.
And when I started to find the way, I was stabbed and it bleeds again. :(

Allahuakbar.
HE knows the best.
HE wouldn't burden us more than we could bear.
I believe, there is more to this.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
HE has planned better for me.
InshaaAllah.
Sabr & Shukr.

p/s: one fine day.

Monday, June 27, 2016

An untold story but end up so soon.



Assalamualaikum w.b.t. :)

“I am resigning soon”
“P..D..R..M..”
I almost faint. I’m blank. I really don’t have any idea on what to do.

It has been 8 years since I was involved in so-called love relationship.
And it come to this point where I fell in love with this guy. The one I knew my mum wouldn’t agree. An interracial issues – religion, cultures. etc.

I was hopeless, knowing my mum wouldn’t agree. But my siblings (the girls), my support system, they knew about him. I can’t stop talking about him to them. I never once spoke about him to mum, but she knew he’s ‘trying’ me. She’s disagree all the way, before we had anything! And so, my siblings speak up, on behalf on me. Couldn’t thanked them enough for this.


24th January 2016.
I remember clearly that day…I went to my first half marathon. Accompanied by him. Which supposed to be attended by my other colleague (he couldn’t make it, so he sell the bib and running shirt to him). I was later posted a photo of me and him on my Facebook. Of course mum saw it! Since it was my first HM, I was so tired and went to sleep once I reached home. Later that when I woke up. There’s few whatsapp voice messages. Mum and dad seems agreed. A yes with conditions:-

1)     Let him to get to know Islam because of Islam itself and not because of me.
2)     Solat Istikharah – both mum and I.
3)     He will need to stay at my place when we’re married. Later.


Feels like everything went so smooth after that, the feelings I have never had to him, suddenly came. A blessing from parents – that’s what I need the most.
Honestly, I don’t know how I suddenly fancy him, wanting him, needing him – I fell finally to his personality. He’s the perfect man to fill up the emptiness, I hope!
Never once I feel so comfortable to call a man with ‘sayang’ verbally. But to him things are so easy. It’s more to “what’s not to love about him?”.

This guy.
A gentlemen who’s bravely touch my heart though I’ve tried to friendzoned him many times. Pushed him away thousand times. He insisted, never give up. I saw the sincerity in his eyes. So pure.
I am afraid, totally afraid to start again. The fear of losing. The fear of being left. And too many things to be listed. But he, convince me to not. Though we had so many arguments – that what makes us stronger. We handled it, fixed it to be better. And how not to love him?

So, what does P..D..R..M.. has to do with our so called ‘love’?
Mum doesn’t allow it seems. Giving him no option but a word of two: police or me?
But I knew, he would have chose police as it’s his dad’s hope and his ambition…

And today…it’s official. He’s signed off the offer letter. 
Met him yesterday before he left to his hometown to sign the offer letter.
We both burst in tears, I never saw him so low like yesterday. 
He doesn't care anymore but to drown in his own tears.
How do you feel like to see someone you love cry because of you...? 
It hurts, really hurts.
By accepting it, literally, he’s rejecting me.
A bitter pill to swallow…

I’ve almost lost my sanity. But it’s the fact I must face.
Another unlucky love story I’ve owned. Better luck next time?
A great one year of bitter-sweet love story. (We don't have any official date either, it's just happen!)
I couldn’t thanked him enough for showering me with so much love and care.
I’m gonna miss you sayang. I will really, really do.
Am back to my previous track and life.
Building up the strength, standing up alone, walking solo and to believe in love again?

Ya Allah, ya Tuhanku.
Andai ini adalah jawapan bagi setiap doa dan istikharahku,
Engkau berikanlah aku kekuatan dan kesabaran untuk beriman dengan Qada’ dan Qadar-Mu.
Tunjukkanlah aku jalan yang Engkau telah tetapkan pada aku. Dan redhakanlah hati aku untuk setiap yang Engkau beri.
Sesungguhnya Engkaulah yang Maha Mengetahui.
Dan Engkau jugalah yang Maha Mengasihani.
Aamiin.



P/s: Have faith.

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

The battlefield.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t. :)

I have always had a war with my own self.
Created everything that led us to have a fight almost every week. I know, he must have been given up with us many times.
I felt insecure.

In this battlefield of so-called 'love'.
I found myself has always lose to almost everything.
I felt that I have given myself to almost anything.
Dreaming so big that I, most of the time, trapped in it!

Once the door open, it can't be control anymore.
I have gave so much that I don't know how to turn back anymore.
Future that is so uncertain but always been in my prayers, is a good one.
A happy ending for a very long awaited moment.

After so many, many years,
Will I finally found the one?
Whom will be mine someday?
Whom I can rely on to?
Whom I can love tenderly and miss so dearly?

I totally have no idea.
Heart breaks everytime.
And seems like I don't deserve any.
Probably should've not involve myself in this at the first place?

She's so concern that I won't be married if I lose to this one.
After years of 'hiding' to the real world.
Well, frankly, I am too.
No promises that I could gain the trust.
Especially to build up the confidence in love once again.
I doubt it!

The best so far is to just go on with what we have now.
Cherish every moments and always prepare for the worst.


p/s: Am I going to win in this battlefield?

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Cepatlah.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t. :)

Kadang aku sengaja, biar ku dilihat bodoh.
Kadang aku sengaja, biar ku dianggap jahat.
Tapi...
Andai kau tahu, kebodohan aku itu adalah untuk buat kau bosan.
Andai kau tahu, kejahatan aku itu adalah untuk buat kau pergi.
Sebab hati aku dah mula mencair dari bekunya dek kecewa.
Perasaan itu datang kembali.
Walau sudah jatuh berkali, bila aku sudah tetap hati.
Aku sudah tak sanggup untuk lepaskan lagi.
Jadi,
Aku cuma mampu buat kau membenci agar kau sendiri pergi.
Dan bukan aku yang putuskan kau dari sisi.

Cepatlah kau membenci,
Aku sudah tak mampu lagi menyakiti.
Cepatlah kau bosan,
Aku sudah tak punya cara lagi memarahi.
Cepatlah kau pergi,
Agar kau tak menangis lagi.

Jangan salah sangka.
Sayangnya sudah bercambah, hatinya sudah berbunga mekar.
Cuma belum mampu hadap kehilangan lagi bila seluruh hati telah aku bagi.
Kerana dia masih belum tahu apa yang dia mahu.
Dan aku cuba bertahan selagi mampu.
Selagi dia tidak putus harap pada aku.


P/s: kecewa.