Monday, June 27, 2016

An untold story but end up so soon.



Assalamualaikum w.b.t. :)

“I am resigning soon”
“P..D..R..M..”
I almost faint. I’m blank. I really don’t have any idea on what to do.

It has been 8 years since I was involved in so-called love relationship.
And it come to this point where I fell in love with this guy. The one I knew my mum wouldn’t agree. An interracial issues – religion, cultures. etc.

I was hopeless, knowing my mum wouldn’t agree. But my siblings (the girls), my support system, they knew about him. I can’t stop talking about him to them. I never once spoke about him to mum, but she knew he’s ‘trying’ me. She’s disagree all the way, before we had anything! And so, my siblings speak up, on behalf on me. Couldn’t thanked them enough for this.


24th January 2016.
I remember clearly that day…I went to my first half marathon. Accompanied by him. Which supposed to be attended by my other colleague (he couldn’t make it, so he sell the bib and running shirt to him). I was later posted a photo of me and him on my Facebook. Of course mum saw it! Since it was my first HM, I was so tired and went to sleep once I reached home. Later that when I woke up. There’s few whatsapp voice messages. Mum and dad seems agreed. A yes with conditions:-

1)     Let him to get to know Islam because of Islam itself and not because of me.
2)     Solat Istikharah – both mum and I.
3)     He will need to stay at my place when we’re married. Later.


Feels like everything went so smooth after that, the feelings I have never had to him, suddenly came. A blessing from parents – that’s what I need the most.
Honestly, I don’t know how I suddenly fancy him, wanting him, needing him – I fell finally to his personality. He’s the perfect man to fill up the emptiness, I hope!
Never once I feel so comfortable to call a man with ‘sayang’ verbally. But to him things are so easy. It’s more to “what’s not to love about him?”.

This guy.
A gentlemen who’s bravely touch my heart though I’ve tried to friendzoned him many times. Pushed him away thousand times. He insisted, never give up. I saw the sincerity in his eyes. So pure.
I am afraid, totally afraid to start again. The fear of losing. The fear of being left. And too many things to be listed. But he, convince me to not. Though we had so many arguments – that what makes us stronger. We handled it, fixed it to be better. And how not to love him?

So, what does P..D..R..M.. has to do with our so called ‘love’?
Mum doesn’t allow it seems. Giving him no option but a word of two: police or me?
But I knew, he would have chose police as it’s his dad’s hope and his ambition…

And today…it’s official. He’s signed off the offer letter. 
Met him yesterday before he left to his hometown to sign the offer letter.
We both burst in tears, I never saw him so low like yesterday. 
He doesn't care anymore but to drown in his own tears.
How do you feel like to see someone you love cry because of you...? 
It hurts, really hurts.
By accepting it, literally, he’s rejecting me.
A bitter pill to swallow…

I’ve almost lost my sanity. But it’s the fact I must face.
Another unlucky love story I’ve owned. Better luck next time?
A great one year of bitter-sweet love story. (We don't have any official date either, it's just happen!)
I couldn’t thanked him enough for showering me with so much love and care.
I’m gonna miss you sayang. I will really, really do.
Am back to my previous track and life.
Building up the strength, standing up alone, walking solo and to believe in love again?

Ya Allah, ya Tuhanku.
Andai ini adalah jawapan bagi setiap doa dan istikharahku,
Engkau berikanlah aku kekuatan dan kesabaran untuk beriman dengan Qada’ dan Qadar-Mu.
Tunjukkanlah aku jalan yang Engkau telah tetapkan pada aku. Dan redhakanlah hati aku untuk setiap yang Engkau beri.
Sesungguhnya Engkaulah yang Maha Mengetahui.
Dan Engkau jugalah yang Maha Mengasihani.
Aamiin.



P/s: Have faith.

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

The battlefield.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t. :)

I have always had a war with my own self.
Created everything that led us to have a fight almost every week. I know, he must have been given up with us many times.
I felt insecure.

In this battlefield of so-called 'love'.
I found myself has always lose to almost everything.
I felt that I have given myself to almost anything.
Dreaming so big that I, most of the time, trapped in it!

Once the door open, it can't be control anymore.
I have gave so much that I don't know how to turn back anymore.
Future that is so uncertain but always been in my prayers, is a good one.
A happy ending for a very long awaited moment.

After so many, many years,
Will I finally found the one?
Whom will be mine someday?
Whom I can rely on to?
Whom I can love tenderly and miss so dearly?

I totally have no idea.
Heart breaks everytime.
And seems like I don't deserve any.
Probably should've not involve myself in this at the first place?

She's so concern that I won't be married if I lose to this one.
After years of 'hiding' to the real world.
Well, frankly, I am too.
No promises that I could gain the trust.
Especially to build up the confidence in love once again.
I doubt it!

The best so far is to just go on with what we have now.
Cherish every moments and always prepare for the worst.


p/s: Am I going to win in this battlefield?

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Cepatlah.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t. :)

Kadang aku sengaja, biar ku dilihat bodoh.
Kadang aku sengaja, biar ku dianggap jahat.
Tapi...
Andai kau tahu, kebodohan aku itu adalah untuk buat kau bosan.
Andai kau tahu, kejahatan aku itu adalah untuk buat kau pergi.
Sebab hati aku dah mula mencair dari bekunya dek kecewa.
Perasaan itu datang kembali.
Walau sudah jatuh berkali, bila aku sudah tetap hati.
Aku sudah tak sanggup untuk lepaskan lagi.
Jadi,
Aku cuma mampu buat kau membenci agar kau sendiri pergi.
Dan bukan aku yang putuskan kau dari sisi.

Cepatlah kau membenci,
Aku sudah tak mampu lagi menyakiti.
Cepatlah kau bosan,
Aku sudah tak punya cara lagi memarahi.
Cepatlah kau pergi,
Agar kau tak menangis lagi.

Jangan salah sangka.
Sayangnya sudah bercambah, hatinya sudah berbunga mekar.
Cuma belum mampu hadap kehilangan lagi bila seluruh hati telah aku bagi.
Kerana dia masih belum tahu apa yang dia mahu.
Dan aku cuba bertahan selagi mampu.
Selagi dia tidak putus harap pada aku.


P/s: kecewa.

Thursday, March 31, 2016

That evil 'J'

Assalamualaikum w.b.t. :)

My biggest fear.
Is to deal with myself.
Of being jealousy.

I am one with that weakness.
Of being jealous at the wrong time, with wrong people.
Feeling insecure. Heh.
I thought I've overcome this after 8 years.
But no, am still living with it. Just realize it anyway.

How to deal with this? *cries*
Not that I have no trust but I just couldn't control myself to be one.

Am still stuck with this.
Need to deal this with my own self.
Fighting with all negative thoughts.
Of all thing I could win, this would be the ultimate lose.
Loser~

Clearing up mind. I hope I could win this time.
Because I'll be living with this. For a long time. With God's will.
Prepare for the worst.
Oh I need to be strong! Need to be strong! Need to be strong!







But deep down inside......
I'm still lose anyway.

P/s: I is sad.

Monday, February 22, 2016

Promise this could be the last.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t. :)

Counting, counting days.
Until the day I last can look into your eyes.
Until the day that I finally have to let you go, completely.
Until the day you step forward to achieve your dream.

Fly, fly away.
The flower that grows in the dessert.
The loves that unintendedly surrounds the stone heart.

Goodbye my almost lover,
Goodbye my luckless dream.

This wouldn't be that hard.
I can do this, I have to!
The weakest me is the strongest I'd be.

Hasbunallah wani'mal wakeel.

P/s: the last to remember.

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Pengorbanan.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t. :)

Tatkala hati dah mula menerima dan bercambah rasa sayang.
Kadang perlu akur, akan perlunya pengorbanan.

Kalau perlu dihentikan, aku redha.
Andai perlu dinafikan, aku terima.

Cinta dan sayang itu tidak semestinya dimiliki, ia perlu pengorbanan. Kadang kita perlu lepaskan dia pergi. Walau remuk redam hati, mungkin ini jalan terbaik untuk aku dan dia.

P/s: biarkanlah. 

Monday, January 25, 2016

Terkadang di atas, terkadang di bawah.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t. :)

Kadang kau rasa kau dah di atas. Tapi sebenarnya kau masih tersangkut di bawah. Ya, aku masih di bawah.

Alhamdulillah. Syukur aku rasa. Walau aku sungguh tak sangka. Selama ini aku hanya berdiam, pendam rasa. Tapi yang perhatikan lebih bersuara tanpa aku pinta. A 'green light with conditions' that I never expected. Sungguh. Memang aku tak punya waima secalit harapan untuk itu. Memang tiada. Sentiasa aku berputus harap, hanya mampu berdoa agar ada pintu harapan dibuka suatu hari nanti untuk aku.

I've never that lucky in it, maybe.
Aku sendiri tidak faham. Mungkin ini hanya suatu ujian dariNya untuk aku lebih mendekatiNya. Mungkin. Mungkin ini adalah satu anugerahNya untuk aku. AllahuAkhbar. Aku hanya minta hati yang kuat untuk segala kemungkinan. Mungkin belum masa aku lagi. Mungkin. Aku hanya mahu kekuatan. Itu sahaja. Dan aku tahu Dia tak akan menguji hambaNya  lebih dari kemampuan hambaNya itu. Dengan izinMu ya Allah, aku terima segala ujianMu terhadap aku.

Mixed feelings.
Antara senyum dan tawa atau tangis dan sendu. Di mana aku letak hati sekarang? Aku pun tidak tahu. Lebih kepada berduka. Pujuk hati, pujuklah diri. Macam biasa, masih berseorangan. 

Kadang kau rasa kau di bawah. Tapi sebenarnya kau sedikit demi sedikit sudah mahu sampai puncak. Ya, aku masih meniti. Setakat aku mampu. 

P/s: dan aku jua masih belum punya jawapan.