Saturday, February 11, 2017

The last cry, I hope.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t. :)

I was having a really unstable emotions these days. Blaming PMS for sure and yes, the other side of me whom refused to move on. Had a war with myself. Crying. Repeating the same old story. I was lost in the battle with myself.

I could not breathe.
I could not move.
The pain is real.
I am suffocating.
If only they knew.

Will be starting my new phase of life real soon.
Priority had changed.
I hope I could forget.
I hope I could move on.
No more tears I hope.
Stronger, I hope.

Too many hopes.
But I am not really sure if I can cope.
Never stop praying.
Never stop to look on the brighter side.
Though it's too bitter to swallow.

I hope I have given my best.
I hope I am not a 'chicken' who's given up too early.
I hope I am satisfied enough with what I have fought.
Some things we better let alone.
But why I could not move even a bit.

What am I still waiting at?
Does it worth?
Does it?

P/s: suatu pernah.

-P.D.120216-

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Stronger, I hope.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t. :)

A year of roller-coaster has passed, successfully(?). :)

Alhamdulillah, the ending I was hoping all these while happened anyway.
The biggest fear, the toughest decision.
Who knew the ending made me smile all over.
Until that point of time, people misunderstood my facebook status, thought it was something beautiful that happened, but not.

It was actually a heartbroken phase I should face. Almost a month since it happened now.
I am still learning on how to overcome this.
Being so emotional all over. Sometimes I feel better, but most of the time I fell onto the ground, helplessly.

We're just into each other, lesser than a year. But I felt like having him for years. So hard to let him go. Difficult to move on. I don't know what makes me so. Am overly-attached to him. It's really hard to explain. But, the love I have for him is just somewhat beyond I ever thought I would.

And so this year, will be tougher one for me.
Will start a new life, new hope, new life's objective.
This kind of thing is not my priority anymore. It's at the bottom of my bucket list - to get married.
To be in a relationship for now seems impossible.
If only people knew how long will it takes for me to get over everything.
People might think that am stupid. For not moving on.
But frankly, how can you love someone when your heart is still loving someone else so dearly.
No, not so soon.
Never too soon.
I just need space!

Soon enough, I will need to let him go. Lesser than 4 months to be frank.
Anything I could do to avoid him.
No communication, no nothing. I just hope am strong enough to fight with myself for not even saying 'hi' to him. A lot to do. More damage will be done to myself.
I wish I don't have to do all that.
But I know, that's the only way, the only sacrifice I could do for him.
His happiness is his dad, and my happiness (after my family) is him.
Love is not necessarily to be together.
If this the only way I could do for him to get his happiness, then I will.

He might hardly forgets me, but I know how to makes him to hate me for the rest of his life.
I am truly sorrysayang.

I wish he could forget me one day,
And please do know what I am doing and might do later is nothing else but the proof of my love to him.
I just need more strength to make it happen real soon.
Hopefully this is the best to end everything.

p/s: the world is against us.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Rapuh.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t...

Terkadang hati ini paling remuk dihenyak teruk.
Menangis lagi.
Kerana tak siapa bisa fahami akan rapuhnya ia.

Terkadang hati ini paling teguh pasrahnya realiti.
Menangis lagi.
Kerana tak siapa bisa rungkai apa yang tegakkan dia.

Terkadang hati ini paling sunyi disapa angin.
Menangis lagi.
Kerana tak siapa bisa lagukan melodinya.

Hilang aku, hilang arah.
Sunyinya aku semakin parah.
Mencari erti segala rahsia.
Yang kekal pendam.
Dalam jiwa.

2305hrs
081216

Sang kerdil.

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Three months.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t. :)

Three months.
Who knew after exactly 3 months, I get to see him again. Honestly, I don't know how to feel. It's a mixed feeling after all.

Who knew that I'll burst in tears when I first saw him stepped into my car. I was so nervous. Don't really know how to react when I get to see him. So many things came in mind. Will we be the same again? After everything that happened in these three months? I am not sure. At all.

I am speechless by looking at him, so different since the last time we met. Thinner and darker - oh my brownies! For few minutes, I am shaking, driving while he was there, sitting next to me. Like he always did. How I miss those!

It was a good catch up. Or not? I've cried few times when I shared about what had happened in these few months in his absence. Crying again when we've been so silent and he asked, "why?". Only if he knew how hard it is to keep everything alone, missing him too much that no one could help me on that. I was just shook my head. And smile. Don't have the guts to tell him. That I was never okay in these three months!

It was a precious moments I had yesterday and I hope for him too. The hope is very tiny. And I am the only one who has that, not him. Hoping, surviving and praying hard. People will never understand how have this burdened me. They only know how to judge and keep saying things they should have just keep themselves. They don’t know how hurt I am listening to every of those words. The reality, totally bites!

I’ve reminded myself many times, that he is only a test from HIM. A reminder for me to get closer and closer to HIM. There’s no such thing as mistakes, it was all destined by HIM that I’m falling in love with him. But it is me that has the power on how to deal with it – with the will of HIM of course. A lesson learnt - before I get something better that HE has written for me in Lauh Mahfudz.

I admit. I have failed successfully in HIS test and I know there’s so much I have to do now.
I admit. Many times I fell unto Sejadah - too fragile, too weak in handling the emotions. And in HIM I found peace.

To forget and move on.
I wish I have the power to erase everything that we had as a lover and remain those sweet memories of us as a bestfriend. But it’s life. You gotta face the consequences of things you, yourself started. And took it as a motivation to seek for the truth.

p/s: forgive and forget.

Saturday, October 29, 2016

Better in time.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t. :)

Day by day. Am getting used to my new phase of life. Everything around me almost back in order. But not me.

To search for the strength. To keep me going.
I lose everytime. Keep falling, keep failing.

It's never that easy. To have him in my sleep and things seems so real, kills me everytime. Feels like only yesterday I met him in person. But it's been months.

I don't want him to know that I'm this weak. But couldn't help myself to.

He could never be that perfect in others eyes. But for me, he's the best I had so far. I knew, I have to admit that he's the one who left me. And I knew, the reason would be me.

Myself.
That I have to look back and see where did I done wrong.
And not to repeat it with others.

Keep praying that I'll be better.
In time.

P/s: never ending.

Friday, October 7, 2016

Redha.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t. :)

Continuation from my previous post.
I know it's kinda late. Very late but yeah, still feel the needs to update. For myself.

And so, he's gone finally. Walked away from my life...as my lover.
There's a lot, a lot of reason of why we ended it up after all that we've been through.
Let it be our secret. :)
But it's not because of our parents, of course.
We are sane and matured enough to think which is best for us. Especially for now.

12092016, on Hari Raya Qurban itself, I sacrifice my luckless dream.
It has been a month.
And I am quite redha with what had happened.
My life's now being on track again.
Feel quite peaceful and trust me, less tears accompanying my daysss since then. Alhamdulillah.

At first I was drove by my ego and pushing him away from me.
But I forgot, we've started off as a friend, a very close friend.
He knows me well, we have no secret, we just being quite open to ourselves.
Why should we split it up and be like a stranger again?
I have lost my good friend before for the same reason.
And why should I let go this one? I couldn't  afford to lose both my lover and bestfriend.
We are still a good friend though.
And he's still texting me like we used before - the way we did before we fell to each other.
Awkward for the first few messages, but then, we're getting used of it and things gets better I guess. Hihi. :)

********************************************************

But...
I failed to control my emotions today.
I feel so low.
Totally low.

The messages.
Some things better left unsaid I guess.
It totally broke me down into tears.

Never did once been asked whether am okay.
Not even serious to make me feels like sharing?
The feelings? What have I been through lately?
I couldn't focus to work.
I just wanna run away from everything.
But I controlled myself.
For the sake of their happiness.
Hiding my sorrow. All by myself.
Going to the park, jogged, keep myself busy with work.
Anything could do.
To keep me breathing. To keep me to feel alive.
And when I started to find the way, I was stabbed and it bleeds again. :(

Allahuakbar.
HE knows the best.
HE wouldn't burden us more than we could bear.
I believe, there is more to this.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
HE has planned better for me.
InshaaAllah.
Sabr & Shukr.

p/s: one fine day.

Monday, June 27, 2016

An untold story but end up so soon.



Assalamualaikum w.b.t. :)

“I am resigning soon”
“P..D..R..M..”
I almost faint. I’m blank. I really don’t have any idea on what to do.

It has been 8 years since I was involved in so-called love relationship.
And it come to this point where I fell in love with this guy. The one I knew my mum wouldn’t agree. An interracial issues – religion, cultures. etc.

I was hopeless, knowing my mum wouldn’t agree. But my siblings (the girls), my support system, they knew about him. I can’t stop talking about him to them. I never once spoke about him to mum, but she knew he’s ‘trying’ me. She’s disagree all the way, before we had anything! And so, my siblings speak up, on behalf on me. Couldn’t thanked them enough for this.


24th January 2016.
I remember clearly that day…I went to my first half marathon. Accompanied by him. Which supposed to be attended by my other colleague (he couldn’t make it, so he sell the bib and running shirt to him). I was later posted a photo of me and him on my Facebook. Of course mum saw it! Since it was my first HM, I was so tired and went to sleep once I reached home. Later that when I woke up. There’s few whatsapp voice messages. Mum and dad seems agreed. A yes with conditions:-

1)     Let him to get to know Islam because of Islam itself and not because of me.
2)     Solat Istikharah – both mum and I.
3)     He will need to stay at my place when we’re married. Later.


Feels like everything went so smooth after that, the feelings I have never had to him, suddenly came. A blessing from parents – that’s what I need the most.
Honestly, I don’t know how I suddenly fancy him, wanting him, needing him – I fell finally to his personality. He’s the perfect man to fill up the emptiness, I hope!
Never once I feel so comfortable to call a man with ‘sayang’ verbally. But to him things are so easy. It’s more to “what’s not to love about him?”.

This guy.
A gentlemen who’s bravely touch my heart though I’ve tried to friendzoned him many times. Pushed him away thousand times. He insisted, never give up. I saw the sincerity in his eyes. So pure.
I am afraid, totally afraid to start again. The fear of losing. The fear of being left. And too many things to be listed. But he, convince me to not. Though we had so many arguments – that what makes us stronger. We handled it, fixed it to be better. And how not to love him?

So, what does P..D..R..M.. has to do with our so called ‘love’?
Mum doesn’t allow it seems. Giving him no option but a word of two: police or me?
But I knew, he would have chose police as it’s his dad’s hope and his ambition…

And today…it’s official. He’s signed off the offer letter. 
Met him yesterday before he left to his hometown to sign the offer letter.
We both burst in tears, I never saw him so low like yesterday. 
He doesn't care anymore but to drown in his own tears.
How do you feel like to see someone you love cry because of you...? 
It hurts, really hurts.
By accepting it, literally, he’s rejecting me.
A bitter pill to swallow…

I’ve almost lost my sanity. But it’s the fact I must face.
Another unlucky love story I’ve owned. Better luck next time?
A great one year of bitter-sweet love story. (We don't have any official date either, it's just happen!)
I couldn’t thanked him enough for showering me with so much love and care.
I’m gonna miss you sayang. I will really, really do.
Am back to my previous track and life.
Building up the strength, standing up alone, walking solo and to believe in love again?

Ya Allah, ya Tuhanku.
Andai ini adalah jawapan bagi setiap doa dan istikharahku,
Engkau berikanlah aku kekuatan dan kesabaran untuk beriman dengan Qada’ dan Qadar-Mu.
Tunjukkanlah aku jalan yang Engkau telah tetapkan pada aku. Dan redhakanlah hati aku untuk setiap yang Engkau beri.
Sesungguhnya Engkaulah yang Maha Mengetahui.
Dan Engkau jugalah yang Maha Mengasihani.
Aamiin.



P/s: Have faith.