Saturday, May 13, 2017

Deep down inside.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t. :)

After all, these nine months was incredibly went amazing for me. What a life.... 
A lot of feelings. too many dramas, gallons of tears, and the list goes on and on. We have trying so hard...to stop, long before. But we just couldn't ignore...the love we have for each other, Too bad, we both drowned in our own feelings regardless we've been deciding the best for us before - to move on.

My best friends think am crazy - for still seeing each other, texting one another and most importantly...confessed to each other. It never stops, the feelings. It's so hard to move on - the life. We only be together for months, but seems like I've fallen deeper than I thought...and up to now am still having butterflies in my stomach whenever I saw him. A beautiful feelings indeed. Who knew I ended up falling for him after years of sorrow?

But now, the time has really come. Soon that I ever thought. As at today, I only have 7 days left to be exact to be with him, technically on the phone - texting. I've made up my mind to really stop any communications whether through social networking, texting, whatever it may be on the day he finishes his training. It is not because of my best friends asked me to - I knew they really care for me hence the "ceramah"  given. I have actually thought of this for quite some times and he also knew about it and preparing on it too, probably. Worst to worst, it might not happen as what I've planned but somehow, I knew that we really need a break. To give him some space that he should have and stepping back from his life to give him a chance to live his new life independently without me bothering him anymore.

I know myself better than anyone else. my heart wouldn't let him go until certain period of time where I can confidently say that, it will be on the day that he got engaged or married. I am not the kind of person who easily forget by having someone else besides me. Definitely it wasn't me - referring to my so-called 'history', I believe that I only have one heart and to love other person at the same time, I am not that cruel to let that happen. Never at any ways that I would! But who knew what will happen later. As for now, I am quite certain to only living my single life (again) at the fullest and finishes up my studies as soon as possible. Probably after I completed my dream of obtaining master's degree then only I would think about my other "dreams". Well, I don't even know if I still have that hope of other dreams though. But let's just put on KIV first. Haha. At least for now. The heart's still bleeding hard.

I might not be so lucky in love. But I hope I have given the best for them that I love. All the sweats and tears, everything that I could do to save them, the love. I have no regret in whatever I have done. Somehow, it's a lesson learnt that I would bring through my journey of life - to never falls on the same mistakes again! Most of the time it's pretty easy to understand of why all these happened, but I just couldn't put aside the possibility of me falling on the ground from time to time - missing all the memories. How I wish I am that strong, to never cries over little things, and keep going where life brings me to.  

To sums up my upside down's life these two years:-
Fall in love - I never thought that I would ever again, but I just did!
Being in a relationship - I thought this would be the last, but not! 
Being single all the way - Back to what it supposed to be, this definitely my lifetime wish come true for now! Haha!
Being in the sorrow - Gone through it for few months in these 9 months and is going through it in 7 days time. Phewhhh. Mental, please be ready!

I thought being left without any valid reason and kept asking what have gone wrong are already sucks.
I was wrong....
This time it hurts too, more than I suffer before. 
Because we chose to stop for the sake of love we have - for our family, religion and the list goes on.
We mutually have the same feelings but that's not only it. A lot of things we need to consider and we don't have the guts to hurt others just because the love we have for each other. Love is about sacrifices and readiness to face everything together. I guess we just lack of that - the crucial part in a relationship.

I will never stop praying....until I certainly have the best reason to stop.

p/s: never say goodbye.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Andai kau tahu .

Dalam titik noktah.
Yang ku perlu cuma kekuatan.
Untuk sebuah permulaan.
Semula.
Andai aku tak mampu.
Hiduplah aku di dalam bayangan.
Entah sampai bila.
Aku pun tak tahu.

Jika aku mampu tunggu selama hampir satu dekad.
Mungkin kekuatan yang sama aku akan dapat untuk menangkis segala.

Tak mudah untuk mencinta.
Lebih senang untuk terluka.
Biar aku rawat luka yang semakin dalam saban waktu.
Tak kira lama mana, pastinya tertutup sudah rasa.

Lama sudah mati. Hati.
Biar aku pergi. Lagi.
Tidak aku kisah apa lagi
Janji aku tahu.
Apa erti semua ini.
Nanti.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

The last cry, I hope.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t. :)

I was having a really unstable emotions these days. Blaming PMS for sure and yes, the other side of me whom refused to move on. Had a war with myself. Crying. Repeating the same old story. I was lost in the battle with myself.

I could not breathe.
I could not move.
The pain is real.
I am suffocating.
If only they knew.

Will be starting my new phase of life real soon.
Priority had changed.
I hope I could forget.
I hope I could move on.
No more tears I hope.
Stronger, I hope.

Too many hopes.
But I am not really sure if I can cope.
Never stop praying.
Never stop to look on the brighter side.
Though it's too bitter to swallow.

I hope I have given my best.
I hope I am not a 'chicken' who's given up too early.
I hope I am satisfied enough with what I have fought.
Some things we better let alone.
But why I could not move even a bit.

What am I still waiting at?
Does it worth?
Does it?

P/s: suatu pernah.

-P.D.120216-

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Stronger, I hope.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t. :)

A year of roller-coaster has passed, successfully(?). :)

Alhamdulillah, the ending I was hoping all these while happened anyway.
The biggest fear, the toughest decision.
Who knew the ending made me smile all over.
Until that point of time, people misunderstood my facebook status, thought it was something beautiful that happened, but not.

It was actually a heartbroken phase I should face. Almost a month since it happened now.
I am still learning on how to overcome this.
Being so emotional all over. Sometimes I feel better, but most of the time I fell onto the ground, helplessly.

We're just into each other, lesser than a year. But I felt like having him for years. So hard to let him go. Difficult to move on. I don't know what makes me so. Am overly-attached to him. It's really hard to explain. But, the love I have for him is just somewhat beyond I ever thought I would.

And so this year, will be tougher one for me.
Will start a new life, new hope, new life's objective.
This kind of thing is not my priority anymore. It's at the bottom of my bucket list - to get married.
To be in a relationship for now seems impossible.
If only people knew how long will it takes for me to get over everything.
People might think that am stupid. For not moving on.
But frankly, how can you love someone when your heart is still loving someone else so dearly.
No, not so soon.
Never too soon.
I just need space!

Soon enough, I will need to let him go. Lesser than 4 months to be frank.
Anything I could do to avoid him.
No communication, no nothing. I just hope am strong enough to fight with myself for not even saying 'hi' to him. A lot to do. More damage will be done to myself.
I wish I don't have to do all that.
But I know, that's the only way, the only sacrifice I could do for him.
His happiness is his dad, and my happiness (after my family) is him.
Love is not necessarily to be together.
If this the only way I could do for him to get his happiness, then I will.

He might hardly forgets me, but I know how to makes him to hate me for the rest of his life.
I am truly sorrysayang.

I wish he could forget me one day,
And please do know what I am doing and might do later is nothing else but the proof of my love to him.
I just need more strength to make it happen real soon.
Hopefully this is the best to end everything.

p/s: the world is against us.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Rapuh.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t...

Terkadang hati ini paling remuk dihenyak teruk.
Menangis lagi.
Kerana tak siapa bisa fahami akan rapuhnya ia.

Terkadang hati ini paling teguh pasrahnya realiti.
Menangis lagi.
Kerana tak siapa bisa rungkai apa yang tegakkan dia.

Terkadang hati ini paling sunyi disapa angin.
Menangis lagi.
Kerana tak siapa bisa lagukan melodinya.

Hilang aku, hilang arah.
Sunyinya aku semakin parah.
Mencari erti segala rahsia.
Yang kekal pendam.
Dalam jiwa.

2305hrs
081216

Sang kerdil.

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Three months.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t. :)

Three months.
Who knew after exactly 3 months, I get to see him again. Honestly, I don't know how to feel. It's a mixed feeling after all.

Who knew that I'll burst in tears when I first saw him stepped into my car. I was so nervous. Don't really know how to react when I get to see him. So many things came in mind. Will we be the same again? After everything that happened in these three months? I am not sure. At all.

I am speechless by looking at him, so different since the last time we met. Thinner and darker - oh my brownies! For few minutes, I am shaking, driving while he was there, sitting next to me. Like he always did. How I miss those!

It was a good catch up. Or not? I've cried few times when I shared about what had happened in these few months in his absence. Crying again when we've been so silent and he asked, "why?". Only if he knew how hard it is to keep everything alone, missing him too much that no one could help me on that. I was just shook my head. And smile. Don't have the guts to tell him. That I was never okay in these three months!

It was a precious moments I had yesterday and I hope for him too. The hope is very tiny. And I am the only one who has that, not him. Hoping, surviving and praying hard. People will never understand how have this burdened me. They only know how to judge and keep saying things they should have just keep themselves. They don’t know how hurt I am listening to every of those words. The reality, totally bites!

I’ve reminded myself many times, that he is only a test from HIM. A reminder for me to get closer and closer to HIM. There’s no such thing as mistakes, it was all destined by HIM that I’m falling in love with him. But it is me that has the power on how to deal with it – with the will of HIM of course. A lesson learnt - before I get something better that HE has written for me in Lauh Mahfudz.

I admit. I have failed successfully in HIS test and I know there’s so much I have to do now.
I admit. Many times I fell unto Sejadah - too fragile, too weak in handling the emotions. And in HIM I found peace.

To forget and move on.
I wish I have the power to erase everything that we had as a lover and remain those sweet memories of us as a bestfriend. But it’s life. You gotta face the consequences of things you, yourself started. And took it as a motivation to seek for the truth.

p/s: forgive and forget.

Saturday, October 29, 2016

Better in time.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t. :)

Day by day. Am getting used to my new phase of life. Everything around me almost back in order. But not me.

To search for the strength. To keep me going.
I lose everytime. Keep falling, keep failing.

It's never that easy. To have him in my sleep and things seems so real, kills me everytime. Feels like only yesterday I met him in person. But it's been months.

I don't want him to know that I'm this weak. But couldn't help myself to.

He could never be that perfect in others eyes. But for me, he's the best I had so far. I knew, I have to admit that he's the one who left me. And I knew, the reason would be me.

Myself.
That I have to look back and see where did I done wrong.
And not to repeat it with others.

Keep praying that I'll be better.
In time.

P/s: never ending.