Three months.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t. :)

Three months.

Who knew after exactly 3 months, I get to see him again. Honestly, I don't know how to feel. It's a mixed feeling after all.

Who knew that I'll burst in tears when I first saw him stepped into my car. I was so nervous. Don't really know how to react when I get to see him. So many things came in mind. Will we be the same again? After everything that happened in these three months? I am not sure. At all.

I am speechless by looking at him, so different since the last time we met. Thinner and darker - oh my brownies! For few minutes, I am shaking, driving while he was there, sitting next to me. Like he always did. How I miss those!

It was a good catch up. Or not? I've cried few times when I shared about what had happened in these few months in his absence. Crying again when we've been so silent and he asked, "why?". Only if he knew how hard it is to keep everything alone, missing him too much that no one could help me on that. I was just shook my head. And smile. Don't have the guts to tell him. That I was never okay in these three months!

It was a precious moments I had yesterday and I hope for him too. The hope is very tiny. And I am the only one who has that, not him. Hoping, surviving and praying hard. People will never understand how have this burdened me. They only know how to judge and keep saying things they should have just keep themselves. They don’t know how hurt I am listening to every of those words. The reality, totally bites!

I’ve reminded myself many times, that he is only a test from HIM. A reminder for me to get closer and closer to HIM. There’s no such thing as mistakes, it was all destined by HIM that I’m falling in love with him. But it is me that has the power on how to deal with it – with the will of HIM of course. A lesson learnt - before I get something better that HE has written for me in Lauh Mahfudz.

I admit. I have failed successfully in HIS test and I know there’s so much I have to do now.

I admit. Many times I fell unto Sejadah - too fragile, too weak in handling the emotions. And in HIM I found peace.

To forget and move on.

I wish I have the power to erase everything that we had as a lover and remain those sweet memories of us as a bestfriend. But it’s life. You gotta face the consequences of things you, yourself started. And took it as a motivation to seek for the truth.

p/s: forgive and forget.